Yesterday was ok. I think going to work offers a significant distraction. I also have a great support system. I went shopping after work and had about 30 minute moment of sadness. I wanted to put myself in the corner of the store, sit on the floor, and cry. Don't worry, I didn't. Later that evening I went to an amaaaaaaaazing dinner playhouse event last night with my gays and my good pal CD. It was a fantastic evening and I am pretty sure I only thought of him like 20 times. I thought how great it would have been to be there with him and then realized that he probably wouldn't have gone anyway or he would have gone grudgingly. CD and I went for drinks after. I was vague about my relationship status. I didn't want to hear "AGAIN?!?" I told CD I would go into more detail with her in a few months. I even gave my number to tall, young, buck. Don't worry, I don't really want him to contact me, but it was nice that someone wanted my digits. Kind of needed the esteem boost, even if he was a 28 year old skateboarder that probably played Xbox all day with one hand down his pants touching his junk.
As for HIM, well I still haven't emailed him yet, nor have I heard from him. It's weird, because I went from obsseviely wanting to hear and speak to him, to actually dreading it. I don't want to come across as trying to contact him, but it is something that will have to happen. Maybe in some sick way I am avoiding it because I know it's the last contact I will have. It doesn't feel that way, but your subconscious mind can do weird things. I did hear from my crossfit guy, however, he forgot to look at how many classes I had left and told me he would get back to me on Monday...MONDAY! Not sure, I can put off this email thing for that long. I kind of need to just do it, therefor the real act of No Contact can take place. Plus, I would like to go to Tuesday nights class, and want to avoid any icky possibility of running into HIM.
Today wasn't to bad. I had moments of anger. Thinking about all the crappy things he did me not only during this breakup, but over the course of our relationship. And the thoughts of "Why didn't he want to be better for me/us?" "Why didn't he at least tell me he wanted out" "How did this happen?" "What an ASSHOLE".
Today could have been a day of avoiding. When thoughts of him started to poke through, I was a pro at stuffing them back down. I just wanted a day off of thinking about it. I hung out with my family, watched movies, ate terrible food, and just relaxed. Moments of grief came, but I didn't let them stay to long. I know that I need to deal with it. Face it head on. Cry and get it out, but not today. Did I mention that I am procrastinator?
I haven't read the next chapter in my self help book yet either, but I plan on doing so before I go to bed tonight. I need to do this the right way. The best way for me to actual heal and move on and be better than I was before. I am also going to continue praying. I swear to goodness, I don't know how I would get through this without God. He is my power of strength, grace, and mercy. He is my comforter and counselor. He will help me walk away from this with forgiveness and better than I could ever imagine.
"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength"-Philippians 4:13
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