Three Weeks

 So I realize I have been MIA for minute.  See,  I was so busy working on my break up exercises, journaling, finding a counselor,  enrolling in a new Cross fit Gym, and several other  “I am so going to get over you” tasks,  that this just seemed to take the back side.

So let me give you an update.   First, I have not heard from him.  Thank Goodness.  I am not going to lie, there are moments of crazy that come in and I want him to swoop in on a white horse and show me that he is a completely changed person and he can’t live without me.  Reality then sets in… and I realize that I really don’t want to hear from him, because I know that this is time for me to get better and healthy and not make the same mistakes with the same person, just a different face.     L Boogie is adamant that I am going to get a drunken’ text message, but I am not so sure.  I know where she is coming from…That would fit our pattern.  Break up for a bit; he slides in with a text, wham! back together, same problems, break up again.  However, I think maybe this one time he might actually let me go for me.  Maybe that is giving him too much credit.   

I will admit that the last two weeks, the denial and numbness have worn off a bit.  The missing him, anger, sadness, back to anger process has started.  I liked the Denial shield so much better.

I have been doing my Break Up exercises From “Getting Past Your Breakup” regularly and just finished the last step in the “Relationship Inventory”.    SO I am going to recap the steps, just in case you want to do them or whatever.  I think they were really helpful.  Sometimes it was super hard and I wanted to avoid it like a pap smear, but once I did it felt way better (That is not like a pap smear).

Step 1-Make a list of the positive things about your relationship.  This is not about him or you, but about the relationship.  Ex.  You liked having a companion; you enjoyed his/her friends, etc.

Step 2-List all of the positive qualities of your ex

Step3-Write down 5 special things your ex did for you or five special moments in the relationship

Step 4-Make a list of things your family and friends liked

Step 5-Make a list of the things you liked about your ex, but your friends or family did not. Were there things that you felt your ex was misunderstood about?   Did you make excuses for him?

Step 6-List all of the negative things about the relationship. Remember this is not about him or you, but the relationship

Step 7-List all of your ex’s negative qualities

Step 8-List all of the positive qualities that turned into negative qualities for you over time.  For example, thinking his take charge approach was adorable, only to realize that he is controlling.

Step 9-List all of the early warning signs or red flags of the relationship. Was there an argument early on or a clue that this was not going to work out? What did you do about these warning signs? How did you rationalize or excuse them? What price did you pay for those excuses?  (THIS ONE WAS A TOUGHIE)

Step 10-List the 5 most hurtful incidents to you in the relationship. What was done? Was there an apology? Assurance that it wouldn’t happen again? Did it happen again?

Step 11-List the things you feel you did wrong (not what your ex said you did wrong, but what you truly feel you did wrong).  Example-Being crabby all of the time, picking fights, cheating, etc

Step 12-List any major incidents or issues in the relationship that stemmed from your own issues or behavior.  Was there something you did that led to a major blow up?

Step 13-Pretend you are in a room with your ex for 5 minutes and he /she isn’t allowed to say anything.  What would say to him?  What would you say that wasn’t covered in the above steps?

You do one step every day and when you are done you take a two to three day break and move on to the next task.   I am on break J.

I really like my new Cross Fit gym.  I think that was a very wise choice to leave the other place.  I didn’t realize how much going to the same place “we” went would affect me, but it did and if I am going to get over this, I had to move on.  I gave HIM the remainder of my classes from the previous gym, because I am awesome.  I also set up my bowling league that CD and I will start in February, which should be super fun.  Sucks that I have to be the one to give up everything, but whose fault is that? A big arrow is pointing at me right now. I also set my first appointment for next week with a counselor.  That should be interesting, but I am determined to fix ME. Get ME happy.    So….lots going on.  But for that, I am grateful.

Wolf Diggity gave me this AWESOME YouTube video titled the "Nothing Box".  Please Click on the link to watch it, Its AMAAAAAZING.

"The Nothing Box"

Till the next episode…..

DAYS 6/7

New Years came and went.  On New Years Eve, Boobzilla (Sorry, I couldn't resist) SP, and I met a few folks at local bar.  We stayed for a few hours and ventured back to my place.  2012 came and went in the blink of an eye.  Poof!  In a matter of a minute, a whole year disappeared.     We stayed up for a bit and then slumber partied, passing out respectively by 2am.  We woke up, made breakfast, cleaned house, and then everyone left. 

New Years Day was the toughest day yet.    I felt OK and had a peace, but a sense of sadness lingered in the background and then I cried. Really for the first time since all of this started.    I cried for the loss.  I cried for the rejection.  I cried for the things that would never be.  I cried out of anger.  I just cried.  I gave myself 20 minutes and then made myself pull it together ( The book says to set time limits as to not let the sadness turn into something greater, like depression).  I went and watched a movie with my family, spoke to the Freakin' Rican,  and eventually the ache went away and again was replaced with a sense of hope.

I read my Getting Past Your Breakup book.  The chapter was on doing an inventory of .your relationship.  Step one: List all of the positive aspects of your relationship.  Not him, but the relationship.  I came up with about 20 and I must admit the last 10 were difficult.  You are supposed to do step an evening or two (there are 7, I believe) and then leave it.  You can add to it at anytime.


The book also discusses coming up with goals for yourself.  Long term and Short term goals.  I spent about 2 hours listing all of my goals.  It was awesome and liberating. I was able to get a solid plan together. 

AND THEN I had an epiphany...You see my major complaint about HIM was that he ddn't value me, didn't make me or my interests a priority. And then it hit me.  Why should he? I wasn't valuing myself or needs.  We did things he liked, went to places he wanted, Listened to his music, and communicated when he was ready (Which was close to never). Don't get confused, this wasn't forced on me (With the exception of the communicating thing). I went along with it and sat silent, buiding resentment towards him for something I was doing to myself.  I would complain to him that I wasn't a priority, but then would easily let him back out of a family dinner or some other thing that mattered to me. I would complain that we listened to his crappy music, but then would rarely take charge and play something I wanted.  We both were focused on making him happy...and in turn I think it made us both miserable at times, me more so than him.  

  The book also talks about managing your time with Work, Social, and Individual goals.  I accomplished all of the goals I set for myself today, the most awesomeness being the "Me Time" goal. 

 Each week you are to set at least an hour doing something by yourself, for yourself.  I decided to have a beer, paint my toes and nails, and all that girly kind of stuff.  You are supposed to shut off your phone and focus on you.  I must admit for the first hour, having my phone off was difficult, but when it was time to turn it back on, I kind of didn't want to. Can I tell you that I recommend this for EVERYONE, single or not!  It was kind of amaaaazing.  You get to be selfish and allow yourself to just be...alone.  I don't necessarily have a problem with being solo or doing things by myself, but when the focus is doing something you want for you, it's kind of great. No, not kind of, it was great .  Next week, I might try a movie or something a bit more adventurous....


Tonight's step from the book is to list the positive things about HIM (Thank God for Bud Light) so I will be tackling that shortly.  Also, tomorrow I will be returning back to Cross Fit and I am excited and a bit nervous.  It will be interesting to see if I am as OK with going there as I think I am or if once I walk in I will want to turn and walk right out.

This I do know: " I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength" (Philippians 4:13) and that is the truth.  I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now.