DAY 4/5

So.... it’s New Years Eve…Kind of bitter sweet really.  One part looking forward to the changes and exciting things that 2013 is going to hold for me (positive thinking is what I am bringing to the party)  and the other part thinking of HIM and his stupid head.  I heard he got a disease…Something called Dickheadatitus (Maybe I just went through a moment of the “Anger” stage of grief)    

Yesterday was OK.  Went to church and heard a great message.  All About leaving 2012 behind and the negative things that went with it (I think Jesus sent that just for me).  I left inspired, ready to conquer the world, no sadness for me,  “I don’t even MISS YOU” I screamed to myself.    Fast forward 5 seconds.  UGH.  “You suck”, “How could you do this?”,  “Why didn’t you value me?” , “What slut are you going to be kissing at midnight? !?!?!?”   “I MISS YOU , YOU PRICK!” Then I quietly shook myself, wiped my face, and told myself to get it together.  I did 4 loads of laundry, cleaned my house, Made some quiche (Yes, that is not a joke, I really did make a quiche) and hung out with SP and my Cousin Kiki (Yes, she gets that nickname, it’s cute and makes me feel better).   She talked about her own situation and how lonely she is (married with two kids).  I silently praised God that I wasn’t where she was. Not that I was boasting, just grateful.   While I was sad, angry, confused, etc…I wasn’t stuck.  I had the ability to walk away. 

Before bed I continued with my book.  I read most of chapter 3 on grief. She lists all of the stages and mentions that they don’t go in order and they may jump from one stage to the next.  I think I may still be in the Denial/in Shock phase.  See HE and I have been here before, like um….several times.  We have the same pattern.  An incident occurs, I break up, he lets me.  We go without talking for anywhere from 1 day to 4 months and then he slides back in with a text or call.  And WHAM….Hello HE and I are back to being a couple with no previous  issues addressed.  This time was a bit different.  He was different.  More willing.  Making attempts at being “better”.   I also didn’t see this coming (well maybe as this goes on that thought will change).  We had been OK.  He had just been telling me how much he loved me 24 hours prior.  But, he let me go without even a nasty text or a “F you!” .  He treated me as a second date, just ignored and avoided.  

I made the decision that I had to send the inevitable email.  I couldn’t hold on any longer.  I was NOT bringing this into the New Year!    I sent him an email that just said “Thank you for the Christmas Present it was amazing and you truly blessed me with it.  Also, I will be attending Crossfit in the evenings  until my punch card runs out and then I will be on my way.   Thank you again, Happy New Year, etc…” 

 I actually did say etc.  Kind of love that about me right now.  Interestingly enough, as my skinny, old lady finger pushed send,  a text popped up not even a second later from HIM.  It said “Happy New (Yes, you read that right…He couldn’t even give me “Year”)  It is going to be a great year for you”  YES IT IS!  Thank you mucho.  I didn’t respond to his text.  Gooooo Me!  

The Next time you hear from me it will be a New Year.  Maybe I will wake up next to some hot firefighter on 1/1/2013...Ahhhh we all know that was just a joke. I don’t have it in me to take home a random.  The only way I would actually get a firefighter in my bed is if I accidentally lit myself on fire, which is more plausible then actually randomly bringing one home to sex me for the night....Oh yeah...Say that last sentence with a British accent, makes it sound classy.  

Happy New Year!  2012 : Thank you for what you have taught me and what I will learn from you and now if you would kindly SUCK IT, I would be so grateful.



I am the one at the party with glasses. I am also totally kindding. I just like a gal who can ROCK!



Day THREE

Yesterday was ok.   I think going to work offers a significant distraction.  I also have a great support system.  I went shopping after work and had about 30 minute moment of sadness.  I wanted to put myself in the corner of the store, sit on the floor, and cry.  Don't worry, I didn't. Later that evening  I went to an amaaaaaaaazing dinner playhouse event last night with my gays and my good pal CD.  It was a fantastic evening and I am pretty sure I only thought of him like 20 times.  I thought how great it would have been to be there with him and then realized that he probably wouldn't have gone anyway or he would have gone grudgingly.   CD and I went for drinks after. I was vague about my relationship status.  I didn't want to hear "AGAIN?!?"  I told CD I would go into more detail with her in a few months.  I even gave my number to tall, young, buck. Don't worry, I don't really want him to contact me, but it was nice that someone wanted my digits. Kind of needed the esteem boost, even if he was a 28 year old skateboarder that probably played Xbox all day with one hand down his pants touching his junk.

As for HIM, well  I still haven't emailed him yet, nor have I heard from him.  It's weird, because I went from obsseviely wanting to hear and speak to him, to actually dreading it.  I don't want to come across as trying to contact him, but it is something that will have to happen.  Maybe in some sick way I am avoiding it because I know it's the last contact I will have. It doesn't feel that way, but your subconscious mind can do weird things. I did hear from my crossfit guy, however, he forgot to look at how many classes I had left and told me he would get back to me on Monday...MONDAY!  Not sure, I can put off this email thing for that long. I kind of need to just do it, therefor the real act of No Contact can take place. Plus, I would like to go to Tuesday nights class, and want to avoid any icky possibility of running into HIM.

Today wasn't to bad.  I had moments of anger. Thinking about all the crappy things he did me not only during this breakup, but over the course of our relationship.  And the thoughts of "Why didn't he want to be better for me/us?"  "Why didn't he at least tell me he wanted out" "How did this happen?"  "What an ASSHOLE". 

Today could have been a day of avoiding.  When thoughts of him started to poke through, I was a pro at stuffing them back down.  I just wanted a day off of thinking about it.  I hung out with my family, watched movies, ate terrible food, and just relaxed.  Moments of grief came, but I didn't let them stay to long.  I know that I need to deal with it.  Face it head on.  Cry and get it out, but not today. Did I mention that I am procrastinator?

I haven't read the next chapter in my self help book yet either, but I plan on doing so before I go to bed tonight.  I need to do this the right way.  The best way for me to actual heal and move on and be better than I was before.  I am also going to continue praying. I swear to goodness, I don't know how I would get through this without God.  He is my power of strength, grace, and mercy. He is my comforter and counselor.  He will help me walk away from this with forgiveness and better  than I could ever imagine.

 "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength"-Philippians 4:13

Day TWO

So Day Two has passed.  Yesterday was pretty much amazing.  I actually felt liberated and free. With the exception of the moment I got the Christmas present delivered by his dad (Can you say coward?).  That was a bit rough, but it lasted only a minute and was actually beneficial..Didnt have to see him and it actually showed me that HE was done. Finished.  Out of the country.  Any hopes of contact from him simmered away.  
As the day went on, I had this overwhelming sense of peace to the point that I almost felt guilty.  I played on my new Christmas present, which was a super distraction, but I kept thinking this is too good to be true.  I am doing way to OK for this.  I spoke with friends about planning activities, vacations, and their relationships.   I then went to bed.  I slept like CRAP.  Note to self...Valium is a OK while going through a break up.   While I woke up tired and exhausted, that unbearable sense of grief you can feel when you have broken up with someone wasn't present.  I turned on my beloved Joyce Meyer. She was speaking about worry, anxiety, and fear. Um coincidence?  I think not.  She spoke that God does not want us to worry about anything and we are to cast our cares on him.  I felt like God was speaking to me.  Telling me that it was going to be OK, that good things were on the horizon.

And then...I left my house for work this morning and all of a sudden this overwhelming urge to contact him came on me.  I didn't know what I would say if I did contact him.  I just wanted contact.  I wanted to act like nothing had happened pick up that phone and say "HI baby, I hope you have a better than great day.  Call me later and lets figure out what to do for dinner."  ...I got to work and the feeling eventually passed. 

I just texted our mutual cross fit trainer to find out how many paid classes I have (we share a stinkin punch card) left.  I paid a lot for those and feel justified that I should be able to at least use the remaining classes.  We can avoid each other by him going in the morning and me going in the evening. My plan is to email him to let him know that I will be going in the evening and to not go at that time and a quick Thank you for the Christmas presents. 

I started my self-help book this morning, Getting Past Your Breakup by Susan L. Elliot.http://www.gettingpastyourbreakup.com/gettingpastyourpast/. 

I am on Chapter 2-The NO CONTACT zone.  Basically, you are to cut all ties. No email, texts, facebook, etc.   I realize in the paragraph right before this I tell you that I am going to send him an email.  The book does state to take care of giving back stuff, etc.  I am not contacting him to get a response.  I am contacting him so I don't have even the slightest chance of bumping into him.  I also believe that he deserves a polite "Thank you for the awesome gifts...Now go F yourself"...Don't worry I wont add that last part....maybe.

Day ONE

So...here goes.  This sucks.  Absolutely and horribly.  You see a future, You see love, and then you see...NOTHING.  My boyfriend of four years and I have recently split and I am at a loss as to why.  See we didn't have fairy tale type of thing happening.  We didn't have the best relationship, but we didn't have the worst either.  HOWEVER, I loved (love, but who is getting technical) him. 

Here is a quick background of our most recent separation (yes, there have been several):

Two weeks ago, I checked his Facebook page (UGH)...You see, he and I had broken up about a year earlier because I caught him on eharmony "We were fighting all of the time, and i was just seeing if there was a better match for me!  I didn't do anything!! I would never cheat"  AH HEM...At that time I deleted him from my technology.   NO FB, Blocked his calls (off and on), and his texts (depending on my sense of strength).  He weaselled back in (VERY LAZILY I AM SAD TO SAY) and four months later we were back together.  It was rocky at first, but the last six months have actually been better than probably the entire history of our relationship.  NOT PERFECT, But better.

Ok, so one night he popped up on "SOMEONE YOU MIGHT KNOW" list...So stupidly I looked at it for the first time in a year.  I saw that on the 4th of July a girl (JP) had posted that she had enjoyed their breakfast together and it was soooo good to see him.   YIKES.   You see JP is one of his ex's.  She has caused problems in the past...well he has caused problems about her, by not being fully honest.  He had seen her a few years ago for a beer, but failed to mention it to me. (RED FLAG).   

I decided to keep this recent information quiet for a minute.  I needed to pray about it and see it from a non-emotional view point.  So this last Saturday rolls around.  A call appears on his phone. NO Name listed.  My guts says "that is sooooo JP".  I rush to the bathroom to google the area code, hoping and praying that it does not show San Francisco...UGH...San Francisco.  I gain some composure and decide this is the time to have a conversation.  I inquire if he would go a meet someone without my knowledge. He states "NO, where is this coming from?"  Panic is evident in his big eyes.  I inform him of my FB findings and state that I know JP just called and are you planning on seeing her.  He admits that he had a very platonic breakfast with her while she was in town  in July, but I had nothing to worry about. They were simply friends now and she knew about me, etc... After some anger and tears I hurriedly left his place.

A few hours later he calls to tell me he won't see her, I am everything to him, he didn't tell me because he didn't want me to think anything, he loves me, I am his priority...BLAH.  We hang up and I tell him I will call him later.   I call him about 7 hours later and he is at the bar with his dad.  I of course, have to ask "Is she there?"  "No, she isn't here.  I have NO intention of seeing her!"  He replies.  The conversation escalates ( I say something like "I got your Christmas presents that you don't deserve"  "Did you sleep with her?~!!?!?")  Have I mentioned that he HATES confrontation?  Like Runs, literally, from it.  He gets irritated and hangs up on me.  I, of course, try and call back.  He sends me to VM.  He does send me a text later stating "you are my queen and I need to get better about showing that to you".  I don't respond. 

Sunday:  He does not contact me all day.  He had to pick up his daughter, so I knew he would be distracted with that (making excuses).  I send a few texts.  I attempt to contact him (sends me to Voicemail).  He finally calls me back and tells me his phone is messed up and he isn't getting my calls.  I ask him why he isn't calling me back.  He states "I don't want to fight".  He has me on speaker phone the whole time and is acting like I am crazy.  I try and talk to him about what's going on...He gets defensive, conversation escalates, he hangs up on me.   Later that evening I send him a text informing him of a Christmas Eve thing at my church.  He never responds.

Monday/Christmas Eve:  He texts that he and his daughter won't be able to make it to the service as he has plan's with his Grandma that evening.  I continue sending texts stating I don't understand why he isn't calling, why he is acting weird, etc.  NOTHING.  He tells me he doesn't want to fight, but he Loves me.  I tell him I want to bring him his Christmas presents, he says he is sorry that the night got screwed up.  Keep in mind his still has made no phone call.  

Christmas:  He calls me at 10 am.  He has me on speaker with his daughter.  She thanks me for the cool presents that I got her (UGH, Stab in the heart that I couldn't be there to see her open them).  He is being super nice asking about my Christmas eve...blah, blah, blah.  He asks about what my plans are for Christmas (FINALLY).  I tell him just breakfast and then ask if I am going to see him. He states he has to meet his Dad, but will call me later.  I finally reach out to him at 1pm asking if I am going to see him.  Nothing for over an hour.  He finally responds that he is with his dad and lets do dinner.  OH and I did try calling him....Sent to VM (SHOCKING).    I tell him I will just be at his place at 4. If he is there that would be swell and would show me that he doesn't want this to end.   He states "He doesn't want to fight that he is enjoying his Christmas" Several lame texts later, I decide that I can't take this back and forth any longer.  I need to make a resolution.  He obviously doesn't want to work on this.  DUH..It only took three days of being avoided to come to that conclusion.  I pack up his gifts and head to his house.  I leave the gifts on the bed, along with my house key he had made for me.  I also proceed to take a picture that I had given him of us for our anniversary (that is a whole other story) and stick my high hilled boot through it.  Ok I got a little crazy angry.  I get to my senses, clean it up, and hide it in the garbage.  I grabbed my things and put my toothbrush in the trash (right on top so he wouldn't miss it) and I left.

I have not heard from him since.  I have sent a couple of Texts (two that night just telling him I hope he finds true love, etc and two yesterday . One stating "I don't understand, help me to see what happened" and then the dreaded, very vulnerable, "I love You"  (Sorry Jessica, I broke down) last night.    He is not responding.

I woke up this morning sad and felt hopeless. Should I have not acted so quickly with bringing him his stuff?  Did I need to give him a minute?   But, I reread those days of texts and I revisited that being sent to voicemail on numerous occasions (ON CHRISTMAS) and  see that this person has left the building.  They don't want me.  He is done with this relationship and though he is a coward, I have to let him go.  Is it another woman? Is it him being unable to deal with conflict?  I don't know.  All I know is that I have to move on and it has to be the right healthy way.  I ordered a book today on breakups. 

So this is my journey....the good and the bad of it.  

Oh...I didn't even get the really cool present he supposedly got me. Hope he enjoys the stupid expesive gifts I got him!  ( Anger WHUT?) 

UPDATE: Later this afternoon I got a call from his dad.  He was in the parking lot at my job and informed me that he had something from HIM.  I went down to see a box and a bag, my Christmas presents. He got me a new freakin' awesome laptop and some misc. things. BUT, his dad delivering my gifts without a word from HIM was a pretty obvious indication that he is done.  Dial D for Duh. At least I got a break up consolation prize.   At this point in time I have not contacted him with a "Thank you".  I will though because it is the right thing to do.  Just not sure when.

Status: Slept like a rock (thank you Valium), haven't eaten, exercise (WHAT?). Right now, feeling peace (Thank you JESUS!)


Watch me grow.