Here is a quick background of our most recent separation (yes, there have been several):
Two weeks ago, I checked his Facebook page (UGH)...You see, he and I had broken up about a year earlier because I caught him on eharmony "We were fighting all of the time, and i was just seeing if there was a better match for me! I didn't do anything!! I would never cheat" AH HEM...At that time I deleted him from my technology. NO FB, Blocked his calls (off and on), and his texts (depending on my sense of strength). He weaselled back in (VERY LAZILY I AM SAD TO SAY) and four months later we were back together. It was rocky at first, but the last six months have actually been better than probably the entire history of our relationship. NOT PERFECT, But better.
Ok, so one night he popped up on "SOMEONE YOU MIGHT KNOW" list...So stupidly I looked at it for the first time in a year. I saw that on the 4th of July a girl (JP) had posted that she had enjoyed their breakfast together and it was soooo good to see him. YIKES. You see JP is one of his ex's. She has caused problems in the past...well he has caused problems about her, by not being fully honest. He had seen her a few years ago for a beer, but failed to mention it to me. (RED FLAG).
I decided to keep this recent information quiet for a minute. I needed to pray about it and see it from a non-emotional view point. So this last Saturday rolls around. A call appears on his phone. NO Name listed. My guts says "that is sooooo JP". I rush to the bathroom to google the area code, hoping and praying that it does not show San Francisco...UGH...San Francisco. I gain some composure and decide this is the time to have a conversation. I inquire if he would go a meet someone without my knowledge. He states "NO, where is this coming from?" Panic is evident in his big eyes. I inform him of my FB findings and state that I know JP just called and are you planning on seeing her. He admits that he had a very platonic breakfast with her while she was in town in July, but I had nothing to worry about. They were simply friends now and she knew about me, etc... After some anger and tears I hurriedly left his place.
A few hours later he calls to tell me he won't see her, I am everything to him, he didn't tell me because he didn't want me to think anything, he loves me, I am his priority...BLAH. We hang up and I tell him I will call him later. I call him about 7 hours later and he is at the bar with his dad. I of course, have to ask "Is she there?" "No, she isn't here. I have NO intention of seeing her!" He replies. The conversation escalates ( I say something like "I got your Christmas presents that you don't deserve" "Did you sleep with her?~!!?!?") Have I mentioned that he HATES confrontation? Like Runs, literally, from it. He gets irritated and hangs up on me. I, of course, try and call back. He sends me to VM. He does send me a text later stating "you are my queen and I need to get better about showing that to you". I don't respond.
Sunday: He does not contact me all day. He had to pick up his daughter, so I knew he would be distracted with that (making excuses). I send a few texts. I attempt to contact him (sends me to Voicemail). He finally calls me back and tells me his phone is messed up and he isn't getting my calls. I ask him why he isn't calling me back. He states "I don't want to fight". He has me on speaker phone the whole time and is acting like I am crazy. I try and talk to him about what's going on...He gets defensive, conversation escalates, he hangs up on me. Later that evening I send him a text informing him of a Christmas Eve thing at my church. He never responds.
Monday/Christmas Eve: He texts that he and his daughter won't be able to make it to the service as he has plan's with his Grandma that evening. I continue sending texts stating I don't understand why he isn't calling, why he is acting weird, etc. NOTHING. He tells me he doesn't want to fight, but he Loves me. I tell him I want to bring him his Christmas presents, he says he is sorry that the night got screwed up. Keep in mind his still has made no phone call.
Christmas: He calls me at 10 am. He has me on speaker with his daughter. She thanks me for the cool presents that I got her (UGH, Stab in the heart that I couldn't be there to see her open them). He is being super nice asking about my Christmas eve...blah, blah, blah. He asks about what my plans are for Christmas (FINALLY). I tell him just breakfast and then ask if I am going to see him. He states he has to meet his Dad, but will call me later. I finally reach out to him at 1pm asking if I am going to see him. Nothing for over an hour. He finally responds that he is with his dad and lets do dinner. OH and I did try calling him....Sent to VM (SHOCKING). I tell him I will just be at his place at 4. If he is there that would be swell and would show me that he doesn't want this to end. He states "He doesn't want to fight that he is enjoying his Christmas" Several lame texts later, I decide that I can't take this back and forth any longer. I need to make a resolution. He obviously doesn't want to work on this. DUH..It only took three days of being avoided to come to that conclusion. I pack up his gifts and head to his house. I leave the gifts on the bed, along with my house key he had made for me. I also proceed to take a picture that I had given him of us for our anniversary (that is a whole other story) and stick my high hilled boot through it. Ok I got a little crazy angry. I get to my senses, clean it up, and hide it in the garbage. I grabbed my things and put my toothbrush in the trash (right on top so he wouldn't miss it) and I left.
I have not heard from him since. I have sent a couple of Texts (two that night just telling him I hope he finds true love, etc and two yesterday . One stating "I don't understand, help me to see what happened" and then the dreaded, very vulnerable, "I love You" (Sorry Jessica, I broke down) last night. He is not responding.
I woke up this morning sad and felt hopeless. Should I have not acted so quickly with bringing him his stuff? Did I need to give him a minute? But, I reread those days of texts and I revisited that being sent to voicemail on numerous occasions (ON CHRISTMAS) and see that this person has left the building. They don't want me. He is done with this relationship and though he is a coward, I have to let him go. Is it another woman? Is it him being unable to deal with conflict? I don't know. All I know is that I have to move on and it has to be the right healthy way. I ordered a book today on breakups.
So this is my journey....the good and the bad of it.
UPDATE: Later this afternoon I got a call from his dad. He was in the parking lot at my job and informed me that he had something from HIM. I went down to see a box and a bag, my Christmas presents. He got me a new freakin' awesome laptop and some misc. things. BUT, his dad delivering my gifts without a word from HIM was a pretty obvious indication that he is done. Dial D for Duh. At least I got a break up consolation prize. At this point in time I have not contacted him with a "Thank you". I will though because it is the right thing to do. Just not sure when.
Status: Slept like a rock (thank you Valium), haven't eaten, exercise (WHAT?). Right now, feeling peace (Thank you JESUS!)
Watch me grow.
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